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DAY 31

This blog is quickly becoming a friend to me, where I can tell all my secrets and not feel utterly bad about doing so. Last night I was familiarised with a huge ‘Bipolar Blogosphere’ where there were several people who do comparable things to me, although I have not seen a daily blogger yet. A lot of people made their blogs bipolar specific, for me this is a wellness blog where I can be friendly and not have to remind you I’m ill every twenty seconds.
Having a lifelong illness might seem governing, but it doesn’t always attack my character: I am indeed, still a person!

Today the spending got a little much again, I’m actually starting to worry a little about it. I have loads of things to pay for now and yet I’ve been spending hundreds of pounds on bedding, curtains, rugs and tapestries. But as I sit in this clean, beautiful room… it does feel worth it. My mind and soul feels clean – that sounds hugely ridiculous but I have such great peace of mind and I don’t feel spoiled.

I struggle with balance in my life, naturally, as you may know. I also struggle with obsessive thoughts. I hang onto things mawkishly and treat every memory like it’s a fundamental piece of my being. I’ve learned that hanging on to a stack of corrupt thoughts, is not healthy. I shouldn’t have to think about people I used to see more than I think about myself, or persecute myself over things in life that could’ve been. I’m not spiritual in the sense of Christianity, although I adore the ideals of that religion. I have very strong spiritual feelings about my sense of being and how I connect with the world and all that’s around me.

Today is the 21st July, and because I obviously love being cruel to myself - I recognize the following: It’s my “Childhood Sweetheart” Ex’s birthday and it would’ve been the half year mark from my anniversary with another Ex. Dates like this make me so sad and it sends me into panic aswell. It’s like this intrinsic sadness just peeks out and suddenly I’m blaming myself all over again. Today, however, was the first time in years where I didn’t torture myself.

My second Ex, Ryan, is still friendly with me. We share jokes and very much wish the best for each other. Everything about that is so clean, so when it comes to an imperative date I think: It’s okay, the time we had was great but the time we have now to ourselves is better. I think when situations are as beautiful as that, you can move on quite easily.

My “Childhood Sweetheart”, however, doesn’t wish me the same kind of luck; I can only imagine. He was a beautiful human being, everything I could ever want in a person; he just principally did not want me. I couldn’t live a life with Band-Aids covering the cracks. I feel unhappy when it reaches dates such as his birthday because I think: how can things be this way? How can you go from feeling such intense feelings of passion to complete hatred? That upset me. Predominantly when all I ever did was try to protect myself. It makes me feel so uncomfortable that I want to be pleasant and just say ‘Happy Birthday’ but there is no path of contact at all.

My first love made me feel things I had never felt. I felt beloved and I felt contented within his company, he taught me so many things about myself. He saved me from a disgusting eating disorder, he helped me through my parents divorce and my homelessness. He taught me to love myself with no remorse, and in the many years after the break-up, I just couldn’t. Now, I practice what he taught everyday. He said I deserved more than him, and I did. I was made to feel ashamed for putting myself first and for so long I felt a hatred for myself. But now I know how to love myself.

Love doesn’t always work out. In a parallel universe, my Ex and I would’ve had an eternal relationship. It’s much more difficult to love yourself than it is another.

I felt shame, guilt, anger and sadness. For years, I never thought it would ever end. The world went on, and there I was – crying over yesterday. It’s okay to feel, but after you cry at least remember yourself. I let my emotion over a situation affect my opinion of myself and it terrorised me. I have learned so much now. I have turned out to be a fine person and I wouldn’t have imagined I could get to the place I am now. One day, you do just wake up and there it is: Self Love. Get to know yourself; don’t be afraid of loneliness because there is no better company than your own. I became a magical person that everyone wants to be around, but more importantly I enchant myself.

My situations broke me down, but only I could set myself free.

P.s. Happy Birthday, you made me feel everything. You made me kind. You made me love. You are the reason my life is so wonderful. Thank you.

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