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DAY 49

Today I've had a generally good day, I almost want to ban myself from using the word 'good' as it seems everyday I feel good and am doing good. I managed to finish the dresser I was painting so I just have to paint my desk, then I'll look for a bookcase. I love that my room is coming along nicely and it feels so refreshing to have so much light in there. I've retreated to my boyfriend's place for the night to get some well-earned rest from the fumes in my bedroom.

My dad was out today so I did a lot of 'dog babysitting' with Daisy. She has a new toy, so hopefully now that she's home with my dad, she's nice and calm. Daisy can be such a delightful dog, she just has a lot of energy and it can get aggressive!

I've noticed that my eyesight is worsening and that I'm really struggling to read and see. I'm sitting at the moment with the laptop almost pressed against my face.

I had a moment today which I feel may be beneficial to talk about, and it's being scared of anxiety attacks. I'm very lucky as with my illness it doesn't mean constant anxiety, when I'm closer to depression my anxiety is very brutal. However, when I get a little anxious - I get worried that it's a part of my illness and it's leading to an inevitable panic attack. My boyfriend's sibling is going to get married and his family said they would like to see me there, but the thought of being in a room with hundreds of people I don't know who all 'know of' me, terrifies me. I've had to exclude myself because I'm just so scared I'll get upset and want to leave early, nobody wants to ruin a wedding!

I hardly even know his brother and his girlfriend, they were in a room with me once and they hardly acknowledged me. I bought their baby gifts before and they get me things at christmas but it's truly awkward because we've never actually had a conversation. I'm almost entirely sure they just don't like me, so I avoid them! I've heard they're such nice people, but I think people just dislike me because of my anxiety.

Having anxiety is one of the hardest things to explain to people. What do I say to my boyfriends family when they ask why I'm not attending the wedding? "Oh I just get anxious when I'm with people I don't know"... I can already hear the reply of "You know us, it'll be fine - not everyone knows each other and you can stay with Kyle". Even sitting typing this right now makes me feel sick because I feel like just explaining why I'm not going will give me a full blown panic attack.

As much as people accept mental illness, Anxiety disorder is one of the most difficult illnesses for people to understand. I get so scared that I just avoid the world and there's no explaining to people because when I try - people deal with me like a child who's afraid of the boogeyman. "There's nothing there, it's okay" - well it isn't okay when you're fighting invisible demons.

With Bipolar Disorder it's an umbrella of illnesses, the hardest to deal with is Anxiety because nobody truly understands it. Every day I see people self-diagnose anxiety because they're scared of something like... a rollercoaster. The difference in being anxious and having anxiety is that ones an illness, the illness being a fear or nervousness over something that's not typically scary.

I think at the moment it is just nerves and not my anxiety, but I'm just scared it'll inflame a panic attack. I'm being cautious with myself, and maybe overly so.

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