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DAY 63

Today I finished working for the company I worked for and I attended Glasgow Pride. I think my day was just so happy and wonderful, mostly because I went to Glasgow Pride. It’s no secret that I became very unwell with hallucinations, my job was made almost impossible and now it’s time I focus on myself and getting things back together before I have to start my course again.

I have so many friends I want to meet up with before the time comes to get stuck into university, this year is my degree year and so I need to really immerse myself into it. I may have got to an A last year, but it doesn’t mean it’ll be so easy this year. We have a new tutor and so I’m feeling really apprehensive, but I’m enthusiastic to see my friends – most of whom international – who went home for the summer. I now have the time to focus on my summer project, and myself.

Glasgow pride was electrifying and so enthralling, I actually stood and cried because it was honestly so wonderful. The messages on each board were thought provoking and I just was so elated to be a part of that day and see these beautiful people share who they really are.

I think we all underestimate how much potential we have and that we can honourably become who we want to be. I’m going to do all the things I want to do, because I can.

There are so many things I want to do but shelved them because I didn’t feel I was good enough to get anywhere, with all the things that have happened in the past few months I’ve realised that I can truly do whatever I want. I can accomplish anything if I work hard enough at it and I need to just stay consistent and appreciate the intricacies of my life.

In this moment as I type this, I very much feel like I am becoming myself again and it excites me. I want to feel all the things I felt before and I want to do things I stopped doing all because I was ill. My illness, to me, feels so terminal. To have the possibility of something else ‘deteriorating’ my mind is intimidating. I have to live the way I normally would as holding myself back is hindering myself and I’m unsettling my mind and mood. In almost every description of myself by my psychologist, I was stated to be eccentric. Like there was an issue that I was so ‘bizarre’ and ‘kooky’, when really – I think I’m just naturally weird. Heck, I know at this point I must be pretty eccentric if my psychologists think it’s problematic – but I feel it makes me who I am.

I love being unique and quirky and odd.

So for the next few weeks, I am on a mission to get back to the way I was 2 years ago. I feel a little lost now because I don’t exactly know the person I am, but I remember the joy in my life and I want to get back to that place as soon as I can. I don’t feel normal anymore, so I’m going to create this new normal. Time to live my life.