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DAY 90

It seems more than ever, I'm infatuated with what people think of me. I've became this little turtle that refuses to come out it's shell - because for some sad reason, everyone else's opinion of who I am means so much more to me than my own. I am so aware, I'm just so ignorant to what I know is right. I feel like I can't win, and that I won't be winning until I'm satisfying someone else's ideal. After two months of blogging about my daily life and mental health, somehow going back to university with all the people around me knowing and people coming into my life and finding out... well it embarrasses me. Considering I'm on this stage where I talk to so many people about my illness and how I cope - it's humiliating but I've somewhere became ashamed of it all.

Shame is one of the worst feelings in the world. I always told myself that I would never feel shame ever again because everything I do is calculated and I honoured myself with the idea of self love and distinct pride. Although it never really feels enough. Maybe I'm feeling this way because I'm off my medication again, but lately I've found myself rejecting this illness more than accepting it. I can't shake off the fact that something should have been done when I was younger, or that I shouldn't have been diagnosed at all and maybe I wouldn't feel so self aware. I know I'm being silly, but it's difficult.

What it all boils down to is stigma, I feel so stigmatised that I feel shame towards the way I've turned out. I find the idea terrifying that those around me won't accept me and that they overlook things. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going from this point. I just, kinda, wish it wasn't me.

DAY 89

I'm having a tricky time at the moment, but in my own opinion I am coping well. Each day I learn new methods to cope with my situations, to handle stress more easily. I'm keeping up at university which is always good and I am enjoying my own company more and more each day. I would like to socialise a little more, but it's difficult to tie my friends down recently. Everything takes time and I'm getting to a place where I can be really happy with what I have. I feel content at the moment, I'm honestly getting there.

In a life where I try and balance it's difficult to deal with stress and incidents. I feel very weak about a lot, particularly people who I know have cruel intentions or want to throw me off balance. Something inside of me refuses to shake people off and get on with things. In their case, they're really just taking advantage of someone who isn't well. I feel like I'm so easily looped in now and I just need to find this strong kind of independence within myself, one of which that allows me to stand up straight and decline bad situations and reject the influence of those who are less than kind. It's difficult and I think we all find it difficult, mental illness or not. How do you say no to something?

Taking one day at a time, but I'm doing really well. This week - I'm going to learn to say no and treat myself much more favourably. It's important to treat yourself well, I mean sometimes you are the only person looking out for yourself so you really have to take care. Love yourself.


DAY 88

It is almost impossible to write a blog post when I struggle with things. It's hard to write when I can't even talk or think, it's hard to write when I don't want to talk or think. I swore to be honest on here and write on my good and bad days, but sometimes it's tough and I have to put myself first.

On Tuesday I had this huge disagreement with my group practice, who essentially have very little understanding of mental illness and never explain their processes to me when indeed my concentration is so hindered already. I was left off lithium for almost a week, they rescheduled a blood test then I went into the clinic and they told me they couldn't find my appointment. I was supposed to have a check-up for renewal of the contraceptive pill, because I need to be on that whilst I'm on lithium - and they were to check my blood. They only checked my blood and didn't give me another appointment - meaning another appointment would have to be arranged from my university time putting me far behind. To get to this 'missing' appointment anyway I had to eat into my course time although thankfully I caught up fairly quickly. So I was waiting on the results to come back from lithium, waiting on a prescription and left without my pill's prescription meaning my hormones were going to change very quickly without this medication continuing. I was also supposed to get an antipsychotic, which they hadn't prescribed yet.

So I was feeling very let down with the system, I even tweeted my MP out of anger. It seems this surgery is just so incompetent and they can't get much right, not to mention the fact that they are not educated to be compassionate enough with those who are particularly vulnerable - or even provide written information to those who need it, like myself. I think those in doctors practices, inclusive of the administration staff should be taught on mental health awareness - I don't think they understand how to respond to these people and I feel the way they address me is so intimidating and it puts me in a much worse mental state than the one I originally had come in with. It's worth noting that the doctors are perfect, but I'm finding the nurses who do bloods and the administration staff come across as very unkind.

I was given a new CPN who I am now going to see every two weeks, she basically works as an advocate for me. She is mailing me out information on certain things to do with my illness and she explains further what's happening in terms of diagnosis of psychotic disorder. I told her all about my group practice and she found it shocking, she called me today with loads of news. She got the psychiatrist to skip the group practice step and prescribe me both lithium and my new antipsychotic directly. She also called up the group practice and got evening appointments for me, so I don't have to miss university. She also got the doctor to give me one more month of my pill prescription to allow me more time to get another appointment since they so evidently messed up. I also assume she gave them an earful, as the doctor wants to talk to me about the practice's processes on how I get certain prescriptions as apparently my lithium is not a repeat prescription because of the toxicity factor.

So, yeah - It was a good productive day. I really like my new CPN, she's very productive and gets things done. She's also willing to pick the phone up to me whenever I need to talk and I can see her as often as I like, with our timetabled sessions every two weeks - evening appointments, so I don't miss university.

I also treated myself to the new camera I've wanted for absolute months. I'm so excited to use it tomorrow! It cost a lot of money and so I had to wait to get it, but I'm sure it will feel worth it when I get to hold it in my hands!

I hope you're all having a good day, and from this experience I've learned that there is help available - it's just difficult to find it sometimes. I really recommend having a CPN - that's something that's organised by your CMHT or psychiatrist, and it's usually linked with the Early Intervention Team. She basically looks after me and helps me manage my Bipolar Disorder which is a massive plus, sometimes I feel like I know it all and I don't need anything more than google - but she's a real practical help and things like communicating with my group practice is so helpful because they really don't listen to me!

DAY 87

I was so ready to deal with everything, and I felt like I had everything together and there it is... the daunting feeling of being at art school. Not only is it massively stressful for everyone, you can only imagine the stress it has on someone with a mental illness. Having Bipolar Disorder means I'm monitored, and it seems I continuously have to choose: Professional life or my health? It's difficult, it really is.

Tomorrow I was supposed to have my bloods taken along with an appointment with CMHT. If I don't get my bloods taken, I'll be left without medication again. If I don't go to the CMHT, I'm not receiving the help and monitoring I need. Tomorrow is the second day of university and we are being given an 'intensive' project that means consistently attending the workshop - the part I hate - and basically if you miss a part, you get left behind. Both appointments are scheduled for this day, I hoped it would be a research part of the project so I could catch up but it's being taught how to do things which I am plain awful at. So, what can I do?

I've decided to cancel my CMHT appointment, because I don't have to urgently go. I have to miss the briefing and the important starting lessons at the beginning, because I need my bloods taken and there is no way to rearrange or get out of that - trust me, my group practice is borderline abusive with me cancelling appointments. Last year, was a massive struggle for me and I felt I had little support. I now have a new tutor who does not understand my disability and probably thinks I'm this massively lazy person. We have a student support department and they help me out as much as they can but they do not communicate with my tutors, so basically there is no point. It's only been a day and I'm falling behind, regardless of how much I want to keep up. I hate it.

Is this even counting for the fact that I get little enjoyment from my course? No. I want to finish what I started but it's so difficult, and it's even harder when the people around me do not understand what I'm going through and in turn I'm isolating myself from my tutors and my classmates.

I just massively moaned didn't I? No worries, I'll make tomorrow more pleasant. You know me!

DAY 86

I hope you haven't all retired from here, I see there are still so many of you checking back daily. It makes me feel particularly worse once I start reading the messages of appreciation for the blog, and I don't always have the heart to reply.

I'm feeling significantly better, and it's time to get back to regularly posting on here. Daily again! Thank you for all being so understanding.

This weekend I went away, spent time with an old friend and spent time with family. Had the most wonderful realisation on Saturday. So I was on a beach, it was nighttime and I ran over to this big rock, lay down and looked up at the stars. It sounds exactly like a John Green novel, right? I had this big flood of emotion and this moment of - wow, this is it and I feel good. I'm really quite happy within myself and my life. Sure things get hard, but I'm intrinsically happy with myself and who I am and my position in this world. I'm not too invested in who my company is now, what I do with my life and who I spend it with because I'm so happy to be myself. I'm very lucky in so many aspects, that makes me feel good. I can let go of things now, because I realised that I am far better than my poor situations. I don't need anyone, or anything.

I managed to come home and have a fully productive weekend because I feel happy. I've also got to this point where I don't accept the things that are beneath myself. Rude people, people who are more invested and intrusive in my life than I am myself and those who lurk around waiting to cause havoc. It feels like I've had that point where I don't feel I can be shamed for much, because I know exactly who I am. I don't know exactly what I want, but I know I am a good person capable of great things and so I'm going to keep living with this optimistic perspective. People don't scare me anymore and my life doesn't scare me anymore because I'm so content with myself and I'm comfortable.

I still feel moments of shock and sadness over things that have happened recently, but I'm comfortable with myself and I know that I can feel good alone. I'm besotted with my life, even the horrible bits because I know I have the strength to pull through them all. I'm officially doing okay.

I hope you are all at a good place and I look forward to hearing from you, I love listening to your stories and receiving feedback on the blog. I hope you're all feeling good. If not, there's always tomorrow. All my love, as ever.


DAY 85

I'm sorry I couldn't bring more to this blog now, really I am.

There's no doubt I'm having a hard time right now but at the moment I'm just looking forward to uni starting and having something more productive to do. I feel like I'm over-analyzing things and there are just stupid issues coming up that just shouldn't be there. I have a habit of overthinking, but maybe I'm just well overdue being left alone.

I know there are people manipulating me, which is sick. I'm aware there are people there utilising me and I'm sick of that. I just want to bugger off into a different world basically.

You know what, I just want to runaway. I'm feeling better than I did before, but I'm at this stage where I'm irritated more than anything and I'm sick of being there for absolutely everyone and being kind when people are being a pain in the ass. I'm breathing in this moment and I'm realising a lot about the people around me.

I'm made to feel guilty of writing this blog too, I can't say the honest truth anymore because people are watching. I write on this and my family get several phone calls about me. I can't write on this because my ex boyfriends know about this. I've essentially got this huge emotional injunction and I'm so sick of everything. I know by complaining aswell people will judge me and I'll look like I'm this big mess, when I'll credit myself to a degree of doing better than I ever thought I could. Maybe I just need to have my breakfast or something, I feel like I can't write on this blog unless it's positive. People can keep their pity parties to themselves.

I'm feeling a little trapped to be honest, and I don't think it's down to my own exploded feelings.

DAY 84

Well here is the update: My life is a bit of a shambles. The only way to rectify it all was to wreck them even further. I feel exhausted and devastated. Is this going to be a massive blog post on what has happened to my life, no. I apologise if that’s disappointing. With all the chaos, it would be cruel to myself and others to speak about all the things that have happened in just the space of a week. It also rung clear to me that this recovery and stabilisation takes years, not months. Thanks to a doctor slipup, I was left without a prescription and had to spend 5 days without medication. I don’t know if it worsened everything, but I’m sure it didn’t help.

I felt emotional last night reading messages, which I’ve yet to respond to, telling me to keep going on here and that people feel inspired by my blog. I don’t feel inspired by my blog, I don’t feel I am an inspiration of any sort. I am however, courageous enough to write how I feel. That exact thing – speaking out – is what saves many lives every year. And if you don’t have the bravery to speak out, that’s okay – you have the bravery to live even though it doesn’t feel like it’s getting better and that is true courage. I’m sorry that many of you don’t want to openly talk about how you feel or your illness, but I’m glad you find solace in what I say and I’m happy to speak on behalf of you all if you would like that.

I’m not here to write this now and say how I am fine or that the grass is green where I am, because it is not. It’s perfectly fine to not be okay. And I am not okay today, tomorrow and probably not for a while but that’s fine. I’m going to find stability within myself and it will be okay in the end, because that’s how things work. You really have to stick around for the happy ending. I have some friends who have been great, some friends who just ignore me and I have pets who adore me. I’m doing everything to make myself feel better and happier.

We are all going to be okay.

DAY 83

I've been unmedicated for a day now, and I won't get my medication back until next week. Considering the stress I was under, I'm worried I'll just lose control of myself and ruin my own recovery. It's a very difficult life. Balance is almost impossible to gain, and I had it but now I feel like someone's pulling the rug from under my feet. I've never felt so much stress in my whole entire life, and I'm not even sure about what I'm stressed about. It feels like everyone is talking at me and I kind of want to run away.

So I've done what any intellectual young lady with Bipolar Disorder will do, I listened to a ton of Ignition by R Kelly. It actually makes me feel much better when no-one else can successfully make me feel great at the moment. I almost hate typing these words because I know that a whole host of people that are close to me are reading this. But I am having a tough time, basically the issue is that I don't have the normality I was used to and I don't know how to feel about situations anymore.

I kind of feel like everything I ever believed was a lie. It's ridiculous and crazy, but that's how I feel. I have doubt in almost everything now and I'm terrified of hurting the feelings of those around me that I do indeed love, but would like to disappear for a short while til I learn how to breathe properly again. That's a good explanation for it. Everything feels a little claustrophobic. I give everyone a half-truth too. I can only actually count on myself at the moment and it's terrifying. I may have written yesterday, but I really want an island to disappear to. I'm struggling a lot.

DAY 82

Today was a day dedicated to taking care of myself, it's really quite difficult when you deal with so many outside factors but I spent some time reading and then I went for a walk and chat with a friend. I have so many friends actively speaking to me at the moment that I'm struggling to keep on track of each conversation. It's so odd that I have a long quiet time and then suddenly everyone crawls out from nowhere, although I do love my friends and I wouldn't trade it.

Even though I woke up feeling worse than usual, I'm being positive through all the stress. If I stress anymore, I'll lose all my hair. I didn't eat for two days because of stress and so I forced myself today to eat cereal, which I then had dinner that evening and oh god, I have never felt so full. My stomach must've shrunk quite a bit and so I feel very ill.

Dealing with stress at the moment does feel a little impossible but after speaking to my friend I think the best way forward is just taking things easy and paying attention my situations now, because the idea of what's happening next week is terrifying. My life is almost a shambles, it's like this point where it's dangling off the edge and I'm trying to keep cool about it. It's very difficult.

DAY 81

I woke up ill and stressed again, I had the psychiatrist so I sat through that appointment whilst he spoke about new drugs for me and he discussed hospitalization and what it means.

A bad situation kind of occurred when I got home and I had my first panic attack in months. I was terrified and I decided whilst my day was bad, I wanted to get something over with and out in the open.

Me and a friend who isn't a friend went to a seaside town together where we talked about our memories and history. It was a cleansing experience and nice to know we could still get on. They were polite, kind and even laughed a little on occasion. I get the feeling I wasted their time, but this felt like I was going to get the closure I wanted. It was also very incognito, I've never been in the company of someone who is almost ashamed of me before, but I could at least understand. After everything, do I feel any closer? I don't know.

Now the experience is over, I guess I have the answers I wanted. I have to speak almost anonymously about this, I don't want to ruin my blog by missing a day but a lot did go on and I can't really talk about it. I feel okay though, I think. I feel like I wanted to get answers, but they just wanted to clear their conscience, which feels, yeah, crappy. My mental illness is a massive burden on others and people seem to be hung up on what causes things like my depression or rather who causes it, because they don't want the guilt of it. It leaves me a little used, somewhere along the line who I am as a person is forgotten. I just want people to like me and I think they just want to pack the memory of me cleanly away. That sucks.

One day the people around me now, or I'll find people, who know how to treat me with my mental illness. I guess I learned this lesson the hard way, and I've learned that you can't make people understand and you can't make people like you. They could be your ten and you could be their two, people are hard to gel and it's particularly hard when you have an illness that they can't understand.

People who make the effort have the best chance at understanding, but some people never will. I don't think you should beat yourself up about it, just realise how lucky you are to have noticed.

I have an electric personality and I'm mildly good looking with a ton of friends, I  might be ill but I'm still a pretty cool person.

DAY 80

This is probably the most difficult post I’ll ever have to write, hopefully.

I’m writing this now because I don’t think I’ll have the strength to later and my motivation is dwindling away. I’ve lost all hope of this just being a bad day, it seems very much like a bad life.

I’m not okay. Everything comes back to this and I just don’t feel okay. Sometimes I feel like I’ve worked it out and I figure out how to keep happy and positive, then I wake up and all the work I did is gone. I’ve not felt like this for a few months, I thought my medication levelled me out but medication can’t treat my life and the bad memories I have. All it takes is one bad dream and suddenly my reality is broken.

I can’t cope with the thoughts of my past, so much that I can’t cope with the company of myself. All these bad memories come and ruin me so much that I can’t even get out of my bed. It’s my personal goal to get through the day without crying. I have dreams about these memories, sometimes they’re nightmares and sometimes they’re positive – then I wake up, and sometimes waking up and knowing the situation never happened is the scariest part. My memories are owned by other people, they are the people that have an effect on my situation and they’ll never regard me positively – so why should I regard myself in that manner? It feels like I died years ago but I’m living as this ghost that’s been sent to watch people dancing on my own grave. If I can’t cope after all these years, I’ll never cope. I’m only 20 and I can’t live with the misery I have here, how can I live with it when I’m older? Does every year of my life have to be so painful?

And I’m both unlucky and lucky to have a mood disorder. Unlucky because one day I wake up and my world is ruined, lucky because not every single day of my life is awful – some days are absolutely phenomenal, so fantastic I singlehandedly ruin everything around me.

Why don’t I talk to people? The only people that would be worthwhile talking to are the people who actually have an effect on these situations I experienced, but in that regard I am not their problem. I am not my exes problem, I can imagine my death and hear the words come out of his own mouth silky smooth that I’m ‘Not his problem’. Fuck, I can hear his laugh so crystal clear that it makes my whole body sick. I think back to the proclamations of love, that only I meant, before it went sour - and I can hear it so precisely – I can feel the vibration of his throat. I left an unhappy life and all I did was make everyone else happier, and give myself a lifetime of guilt.

By opening up about these chilling experiences, I know for a fact people are whispering and giggling to each other about how pathetic it is that I come back to the same thing over and over again because people moved on. I will never move on, I’ve got the mental illness as a badge for it. I try so hard to change who I am but I can’t change the things in my mind. I wouldn’t commit suicide because I know the reward it has for people, I just want a really bad head injury. I just want to forget it all. I want to spend the rest of my life drunk so I can’t remember. I don’t want my sanity because it always comes back to these disgusting thoughts. In an ideal world, I would talk to the people involved have a hug then move on. However, positivity is a dirty word in this world and even if you’re on board for making amends you usually find other people are bitter and don’t want to concern themselves with what isn’t ‘their problem’.

I’m done, I’m out. I can’t cope. Drama Queen is going back to bed.
You might not get a blog post tomorrow, I’ll try but no promises.

Sorry if this made your situation worse or if it was attention seeking or anything, but this is my blog and every day is my take.

DAY 79

Today was a day to adjust into normality, I feel like social media really dwindles my brain. I find when I have a ‘normal’ day at home doing ‘homely activities’ – I start checking Facebook more frequently. There are genuinely not many interesting people on my Facebook, it’s mostly people sharing photos of babies which is what every barren woman likes to see on a daily basis. I’m lucky enough to have a sense of humour, and I’ve pretty much always preferred animals anyway.

What I find though in my family is that by having a child you suddenly get this golden gate pass to ‘Affection Island’. Living as a young individual at university, I’m so easily forgotten about and I find it strange. My academic and professional achievements are celebrated wildly by my dad, his family and a few siblings but it seems like whatever personal achievement I have is so inferior to these people who have little families – of which I’ll probably never have.

It’s confusing but I always grew up curious at this idea that a lot of my family celebrated engagement, marriage and children like it was the most excellent thing in the world. I don’t think you can relate having children to getting a degree, but it does feel a bit like I work my ass off with little commendation. I’m very lucky that I’m a motivated individual and that I don’t expect a well done, but a lot of my family don’t know how to spell my name.

However, if I got married or had a child – a whole host of cousins would come out of the caves to applaud me. I’m 20, a lot of my maternal family have children at this age point but I think it’s far too young anyway – I have no intention of getting married because I enjoy living as an individual, and the idea of an all frills wedding invokes a little bit of sick in my mouth. Maybe I’m really bitter because I’m the one in my family who can’t have children whilst everyone else is pregnant with their eighth. But I don’t see why I don’t deserve affection as an individual, and I shouldn’t have to become Mrs Babypopper to receive that either.

I’m that ‘career girl’, the one that everyone feels is intrinsically lonely because she’ll never have this typical family life. Here is my biggest complaint though:
Why can’t people accept that we all live different lives?

I love being an auntie more than anything, I keep up with One Direction and Zoella so I can talk to my nieces Chelsea-Ann and Cara. I may never have a child but I am okay with that so why can’t the people around me be okay with that? Professional success can’t be compared to personal success. Getting pregnant is one of our physical wonders, so simple that fourteen year olds can do it! But my body can’t do it. Anyone can work their way to a degree, and so my achievements are essentially thrown away.

Other than being probably more critical of family life than others (Do you really need EIGHT?), I think I’m pretty okay with my life and the way it’s going. I’m excited for my future as me and my partner have a pretty solid plan for dogs (Three by the way!). If people can’t appreciate me for the childless woman I am and will always be then bugger it, don’t come to me for babysitting duties!

If you can get your head around the fact that I might just be a crazy animal lady, I’ll totally look after your children because I really love kids and just looking after people in general. It seems I’m very much a maternal person, heck I might even get a pet duck!

I think we should stop comparing our situation to others, I mean we’re not all going to get married, move to the suburbs and have a thousand kiddies. It may sound wild to some men, but as a woman I can just be a career lady! It’s a shame that I’ll never get the commendation my relatives will get off some people in my family, but it’s all good because I’m pretty awesome and I’m pretty happy the way I am!

I have supportive family, my dad’s side are excellent and my siblings are great. I’m never going to live the life that a lot of people want me to, and I apologise to those who are desperately waiting out for a wedding invitation so I can pay for your dinner for the night. I’ll be spending my money on nice things for myself – and for my amazing nieces!

Mental Illness brings an overwhelming amount of pressure and not all of us have this fully supported environment, there will always be people who you can’t get to ‘love’ you. I can’t change my situation – but I can choose how I respond to it. Not everyone will be happy with your life choices, but if you are then that’s all that matters.

Oh, and I’m serious about the three dogs.

DAY 78

Today we walked around my hometown, Kyle dragged his feet after realising we would be walking a few miles but I skipped with a complete ardent outlook. We decided that today we’d get a train to my old station then walk around and back to the next station. I took him to my old house, my old primary school, the parks I’d play in, the shops I shopped in and we headed to an old high flat area which had been knocked down and developed into what’s now called ‘Belville Gardens’.  The whole experience of going back felt quite cathartic.

The view from Belville Gardens was phenomenal and made me question why I couldn’t live in such a place. The scenery of this town is lovely, it’s just overrun with crime – murder particularly. It shows you that a place can be entirely different at one in the afternoon, opposed to the evening. We then walked into the town past the old abandoned church and then back up towards the train station.

The station is on the road where my ex lived and it terrified me walking past that place, I walked by a few months ago to get to that station and it was awful, I felt like I couldn’t breathe but collapsing would only bring more attention to myself by the sound of sirens and blue lights. There’s this big dam that I’ve always loved, I’d go as far as saying it was my favourite place. I approached the grass area with diffidence, and as I sat down and watched the little sail boats on the water and it made my spirit happy. I would roll about on the grass sunbathing here, I would walk my big beautiful Labrador here where he would run and scare all the ducks. When I was in a relationship with this person we’d visit this dam, but before, it was a different place where my family and I went ourselves. Every Friday afternoon after school we’d feed the ducks, this was the first time in six years I got to sit down on this bench and feel serenity. I was in such a basic place but I was ebullient in these moments of just sitting.

Then the anxiety flooded in, what am I doing here? The same feeling I felt every time I crossed into Greenock – my own hometown. I moved away when I was 15 and after my romantic and platonic relationships broke down, it seemed I wasn’t quite allowed to return home to visit my mother or siblings. I would come home and social media would buzz of questions like why I was in Greenock. As if a whole town was claimed and I had been thrown out, I was treated like I didn’t belong anymore or that I had this restraining order that meant I wasn’t supposed to be in the town’s radius. My relationship with my mother and my family broke down and I stayed a quivering mess inside my home, forty miles away.

Flash forward six years, I’m sitting on a bench outside where he lived. I was in his territory. I worried that someone would see me, and the opposition would be sent to tear me down, but nothing. Potentially the fear itself was the invisible wall that kept me out. I felt the most wonderful feelings just by sitting in a place that I had loved and cherished, I didn’t even realise how important this was to me until I just sat there. The water was calm, the weather was calm – everything was pure. I had company but in that moment I felt very alone in one of the most spiritual ways. I imagined bringing some sketchbooks and notepads here and writing, getting some real inspiration. The ideas were endless because in those ten minutes I realised that this place was not anyone’s territory, it was a free for all.

Anxiety is such a troubling thing and I struggle with it every day. I hardly communicate with some people but it tends to be the people who I don’t speak to are the ones I fear the opinion of, the ones that I respect and that matter to me. Although I have an anxiety disorder which means I am entirely irrational at several points in my day, all of us experience feelings of anxiety. It may not be an illness, but we all feel nervousness and fear. Don’t let it keep you out, one you let it you’re building up this whole nightmare world for yourself where it’s harder to escape. Don’t stop visiting your favourite stores or places because of someone else’s opinion, that’s where I went wrong. Don’t let people control your life! You know that restaurant you really liked but you won’t go there because your old best friend works there? Go there! Nobody can stop you. You are only stopping yourself.

If you live with a nervousness controlling you, then it’s always going to be that way. You’ll confine yourself to a box when you’ve always had the whole world. If you have an illness, I entirely understand how you’re feeling. It’s been two years and I’m still a nervous wreck talking to my boyfriend’s parents. I’m lucky to be medicated although it only slightly improves my situation, I don’t suffer from panic attacks very frequently. The best form of therapy is just working on you and pushing yourself in little ways.

If you want to talk about this at all, you know I’m on twitter.

Until tomorrow friends!