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Hello 2016

This year has been a whirlwind. For me I’ve had successes and have been given a great deal of bad news. However, I won’t go into a archetypal ‘Facebook’ like list of my triumphs and pitfalls. I want to structure my reflection a little differently.

Every single year we change. Excuse the naff comparison but each year is best described as a chapter in your book - and so much is crammed into those pages. Each line signifies something that enthrals you and helps you grow. Whatever is in that chapter, whether it be negative or positive, usual or dramatic – it is never too late to start writing yourself a different story. New Year often signifies a new start for so many people and I definitely indulge in that perspective a little myself. I am well aware situations won’t change overnight for me because of a number change in the date – but it holds something morally substantial in the way that it forces us to reflect and potentially look forward.

For me, 2015 was not what I imagined it to be but I feel so fortunate to have experienced it. As I learned more about myself I broke into this centre of myself where I could see everything from the most personal perspective and create a striking sense of understanding about who I am. Apologies for the disgusting clich̩ but amid the hollowing heartbreak, the poor health and the repetitive urge to give up РI figured it all out.

I thought I’d have a different life. I built up these fantasies inside my head only for them to never come true. When I sleep at night, I often think about those dreams and ideals that were just never to happen and it makes me feel this crawling in my stomach. I always told myself – if you have no expectations, you can’t be disappointed but self-consciously I expected the world.

Now, at the end of this year – I feel tired. The second half of my year was a field of experimentation and rebellion. I tried so desperately to figure myself out and I used all my energy up on giving love out to others to the point where I was completely empty. So I changed my lifestyle, drastically. You could call it ‘living for myself’. I just want to rid myself of the extra effort and live in peace.

Now, I can stand back and comprehend that you can’t always get what you want even when it’s right in front of you. The reason why you can’t get what you want? Because sometimes you want the wrong thing and what is good for you – I swear - will not go by you. I had these insatiable imaginings when really they couldn’t ever work out – because they just weren’t the way my life was supposed to go. The only thing I want now is happiness. I want to feel happiness; I want to share happiness.

In 2016, I will be single which is potentially my biggest adjustment. The last part of 2015, I started looking for someone to love to only be disappointed every single time. I stopped looking for someone and took a look at myself. Serendipity was always my favourite word, if something is meant to be it will happen. I am meant to be happy. I am glad today that I am alive because it means I still have that opportunity to be happy – and really, I guess I am. My resolutions are to stop overthinking, to put my health first and to continue to spread kindness to every single person.

I hope 2016 is your year, stay strong and open your eyes to every experience in the wonderful book of your life.

Also, Justin Bieber released an immense album and redeemed himself this year – if he can do that you can slay every single thing you want to next year, promise.

Christmas: A Holiday of Love and Togetherness

Today is Christmas Eve and I am writing because I felt this holiday deserved a blog post and give people an update on what’s going on with ‘Mimi’.

My favourite Christmas movie of all time is hands down ‘Love Actually’. The movie in a nutshell sums up experiences of love during the festive period, with a lot of happy endings and some that don’t work out as well. The movie was released over ten years ago but the message of love being all around at this time of year truly feels relevant today. I feel more inclined to let people know I love them, miss them and I let those I don’t know feel a little more welcome. Unfortunately, mental illness can mean that a lot of people don’t feel the love and cheer this season brings.

I have not been updating this blog since mid-November as I have been silently struggling with depression. I had a period of what can only be explained as rapid cycling where in the time after finishing my medication I went very high to extremely low. I’ve felt low for about a month now, it does feel like there is no way out of it I must admit. I was productive and I searched for a way to find some joy in my life again, since my break-up in September I’ve invested a lot of myself in other people but now that I don’t feel as needed it makes me feel a little empty. I also found myself to be very self-destructive; talking to people I know I shouldn’t have – giving so much of my respect to those who never had the intention to return it. Giving people second chances and third chances and fourth…

I tried to take hold of my life starting with ridding myself of the negativity. I cleared my twitter feed so I could no longer have the negatives of the past looming above me. I pushed myself to go out more and socialise, leaving me with little time. I cut off those who were ‘dead weight’ in my life and were negatively impacting my mental health. I got rid of guys who wanted to date me just because I was ‘pretty’. I got rid of guys who wanted to change me.

I was making such an effort with myself and tried very much to throw myself out there and enjoy myself but it’s very difficult. I feel like I have a lot of negative things plaguing my mind but I’m clever enough to understand it’s a Bipolar Episode – but not strong enough to get out of it. I went out last Saturday to a club and I walked into a bathroom where girls sniggered at me, I walked into a room where my ex boyfriend blankly looked at me… then I was told I wasn’t allowed to leave the club because someone was stabbed. I had a big panic attack and had to leave in an ambulance. I think for me, at this moment, I realised I wasn’t coping and that things were just building up.

I’m not entirely sure what to do with myself at the moment and I feel like I’m restricting what I say a lot in this blog post, but I’m just a little exhausted. I’ve decided to attend appointments again in the hope that I can find some relief, I reckon also in the New Year that I will go back on medication, which I should stick to.

Most people around me have been blissfully unaware of my struggle and that’s okay, I guess in a really peculiar way – I’m coping with this. It’s difficult but I’m doing better each day. My kindness gets me hurt so much, and honestly I just want to feel love so badly. I have so much to give and I feel like I’m not receiving a lot of that. My friends and family have been so excellent though. I guess I’m getting through it.

Seeing a lot of people in love and happy at Christmas does make me feel slightly worse about myself, but that is to do with mental health. I think what we should all think about this Christmas is - getting people involved. So many people are fighting silent battles and do not feel great at this time of year and it’s worth making an extra effort to ensure the happiness of all this season.

My mind is so jumbled right now and I’m just so tired, but I love you all that read and I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas. I’ll write again before 2016, but until then – do what makes you happy and go that little bit further for those around you. May you all feel love ‘til your hearts burst!

Happy Christmas!

P.S. It’s puppy Daisy’s first Christmas, if that can’t warm my cold heart I don’t know what will!