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DAY 10: Depression

I am, and have been, struggling with a depressive episode.

I'm sorry I couldn't communicate this, I couldn't communicate it to myself. Until this moment, I have not been well enough to write and I've exhausted myself keeping up appearances.

It's crushing - I don't look or feel like myself. I can't even brush my hair.

But what I want you to know is somewhere I have a tiny thread of hope. I have faith.

I'm a work in progress, but for your patience, I am grateful.


I'm running out of things to say that are any different.
Today I got out the house, went into the city to clear some things out of my studio space. I just put my sunglasses and hat on and entered 'Marvel Superhero Incognito' mode. It does make me feel a little better just hiding myself and going where I need to go and straight back. I've been continuously taking my Propranolol and I think it makes me a feel a little less nervous, but none the less I need to continue on a more reliable long term medication. I don't know when I'll sort this out for myself, I just keep putting it off but hopefully next week I'll have it sorted.
I'm just waiting on some kind of change I guess.

I'm sorry I don't have more to say, I just don't feel like talking about it at length.


Photo Manipulations by Silvia Grav

I’m not myself right now, I don’t know if I even want to talk much about it – because the idea of just being quiet is so appealing to me right now.

I managed to leave the house a few times, tomorrow I’ve got to head into the city so I don’t think I’m going to have a fun day. I have a few people who want to meet with me, but I don’t even feel okay enough to meet anyone. It’s obviously getting worse with time but I’m optimistic in the sense that I can identify my feelings but it’s very difficult to control them.

Maybe I’m just needing some time, because I’m exhausting myself trying to look like nothing is wrong. Feels a bit like I'm waiting on something happening, but I'm not sure what it is yet.

I'm sorry this isn't the long post you're looking for, I'm only writing because I don't want to fail my 100 days only 1 week in.

DAY 7: Some Rehabilitation

So I’m not quite better yet. Tonight I went to a concert and it was great, a really fantastic experience. I felt really good and was wishing I was in the standing area, but I knew when I bought my tickets months ago that being stuck in that pit of people would’ve ruined me – so maybe it was wise that I didn’t. However, it’s totally my new personal goal to go in the standing area at a concert; I’m aiming to accomplish this within the next twelve months! I think if I try it and it goes successfully, it could eradicate a lot of the anxiety I have about being stuck in a group of people.

In terms of how I’m feeling, I’m not feeling entirely like myself so all systems are go on getting treatment sorted by next week and taking things a little easier. For me, that means spending a sobering amount of time just on my own for some rehabilitation. So many people are nagging me for my time lately and it’s not making me feel any better spending at least 3 hours a day travelling to braid my cousins hair or go on a date with some guy I don’t know and have no interest in whatsoever.

It’s a conflicted feeling because I’m very much lonely. Nobody really talks to me to find out how I am, it’s always the same old tired routine of somebody looking for something or a male trying to ‘fire in’. Yet, I understand there are a lot of people trying to involve me and I like that, but I think at this moment in time I need a break. It’s wearing me down so maybe it’s time to keep the curtains shut in my bedroom a little longer.

DAY 6: Probably Not The Best Day

Today was a tough day and I don’t want to lie about it, as uncomfortable as I do feel talking about it. I just woke up feeling heartbroken, really devastated – and I’m not even sure if there was a reason but I just felt miserable. It was horrible because I had to cancel my plans and stay in bed until late afternoon because I was crying on and off for 3 hours so I just told whoever asked that I was ‘unwell’. I was allowed an emergency doctors appointment, but I refused because I know I would be put on medication that isn’t right for me and I didn’t want to leave my house so I just stayed in bed and fought through it I guess.

Sometimes I forget how difficult it is and how I can just wake up and be miserable, so it was pretty awful this morning for me. I feel like I sound whiney talking about it, but I was full blown sobbing for no reason and I just had to be alone with myself and try and get over it. Maybe anxiety boils up, probably been too positive for my own good and it’s hit me hard. Maybe it’s because I’m drinking it’s been a trigger, maybe it’s because I’ve been staying up really late recently. I don’t know what it was, and that’s the frustrating part. I think the point is, I shouldn’t be off my medication so I need to sort that out. I don’t think I’m in a depressive episode, but I think I’m heading there.

What’s worse is that when I feel so upset I just can’t do anything at all. I was really happy with myself because I got out of the house twice today for a short walk to the shop and a walk with my dog, where-as this morning I had definitely felt like I was going to be stuck in bed through the full day.

Once I pushed myself to go out (even if it were for only five minutes), I did feel better. I do have this horrible habit of putting salt in the wound when I feel upset. I was going on social media and checking up on an old flame, who is with this incredible girl now and it felt like I got punched in the gut. I don’t feel it was out of jealousy – I didn’t want him, I didn’t want to be her. I think it was pure grief at the fact that someone who had made me so miserable hadn’t a second doubt about it or a slither of guilt and had been able to just live an extremely happy life whilst I was here, unhappy potentially because of him.

I’m cautious with speaking about triggers because I don’t believe people can cause a depression for me, my illness does that – however, with the stress I’ve been under for the past 8 months, sometimes people aren’t the best thing for me when I’m still very much ill. With the last man that hurt me, he stomped all over me and didn’t feel any remorse with all the knowledge that I was very much impressionable and vulnerable at that time. Maybe what I feel now is a delayed reaction from how hurt I was then, how I avoided a depression after that experience still blows my mind – but maybe I didn’t get to walk away unscathed and the memory of it is here to torture me now.

I feel selfish, because everything is pretty good in my life but I’m feeling upset over nothing. My brain just winds itself up, I think about old things and I get upset about them now when really none of the situations matter anymore.

My next moves are to get back all the treatment I had before and work with that. I hope this doesn’t escalate into something worse, but I’m sensible enough to realize that it could and at least I’m noticing something’s happening. It’s very difficult not being normal.

Hopefully I’ll be back to my happy self tomorrow, I’ll let you know.

(I've been fine on/off pretty much for 2 months and I start this blog and we're 6 days in and it kicks in! It's gonna be a long 100!)

DAY 5: My Friend Got Stood Up

Sometimes I think I'm under qualified for some positions, such as being asked to do an activity at university or being made to help out with a friend's baby - daunting ideas that I feel a little out of my depth with. But if there's one thing that I know about, it’s boys.

I’ve managed to attain quite the reputation with my ‘boy crazy’ ways infamously in my friend circle we had the ‘you’re talking to 30 different guys?’ moment and the pattern of dating people with 3 professions: Doctors, Footballers and Engineers. I’ve always defended my ways in the sense that I am not in the slightest a maneater or someone who is enticed by the idea of sleeping with strangers, so I don’t. With the award winning combination of the vulnerability of my illness and the naivety of my good nature, I optimistically allow men into my life who are inevitably going to let me down.

Of course now – after feeling gutted about these situations so often – I’ve manage to detach myself romantically hence why I’m not interested in anyone at the moment, I’d much rather appreciate my life alone unless my company is the best expenditure of my time. But in these sad let downs that have happened to me too often, they assume a pattern and I do see my friends get hit by the same situations in their dating lives.

Today my friend had a date planned with a boy who she had given so much of her time to, for months. He seemed like a decent fella, but he gave off the alarming vibe that he didn’t know what he was looking for and came across very hot and cold. He had made a date with her and after days, he never told her a meeting place or time – and although I know she should’ve just messaged and asked - she felt like she’d be too much of a bother. Turns out, he never messaged. So up I step, bold me – the best friend ever.

I spent today having essentially a girls day of cocktails, cinema, pizza at the beach around sunset and then even more cocktails and dancing. It was definitely a Sunday well spent, and even though I wasn’t the initial plan for her – I know she enjoyed herself, even if she kept checking her phone every two minutes to see if he had messaged yet. I feel really good in the sense that I managed to cheer her up a little and we went out and had a great day regardless of that guy screwing up the date she was infatuated with the idea of.

You think it’s painful when people let you down, and of course I agree that it’s completely soul destroying to have your faith and respect splashed back on you like a bug on a windshield. However, it’s so painful to watch the people around you that you love – feel that pain and feel so let down. Of course I felt that it was my right of duty to step in and try and salvage her Sunday, but it’s really sad to look at someone and know that they are feeling exactly how you felt – which is just shocking coldness, the butterflies yanked out your stomach with a hook kind of feeling.

I have a lot of friends of whom all have different personalities and different lives. But I like being useful enough to be an asset to their lives and be the one who saves the day. I like to think I treat my friends very well, I’m always on the other end of the phone and I would move heaven and earth for them all no matter what. It is a funny thing that we all relate to pain, but it is a wonderful thing that if you pick the right people to surround yourself with – you’ll never feel alone.

Make the effort with your friends, it’s always worth it – and you’ll feel so much better about yourself when you realize how useful your good nature is.

DAY 4: The Sinful Selfie

Today was mostly time set by to mend from last night’s thrill. However, there’s no rest from keeping fit so I felt obligated to continue my streak of morning jogs. I loathe running, I don’t love how it makes my body feel but I enjoy how I feel once it is over. It’s becoming part of my routine and part of that important ‘me time’ I always encourage everyone to have.

I woke up today and picked which selfie from last night to upload on Instagram, as ever – because I lack the patience and the enthusiasm – I adjust lighting or toss a filter on. What’s really laughable is that I didn’t like any images I had snapped, and yesterday I didn’t really want to take photos of my outfit. I almost felt like having an Instagram and having followers means people are expecting selfies from me, so I’m basically forcing myself to do it - which is really quite silly isn’t it?

Instead of sharing things that I like, I feel like I’m too concerned with what’s current and what other people will appreciate. My social media isn’t really ‘Me’, it’s more just a brand people want to see. Thankfully with social media like Twitter I can be as open as I like because I do not feel a sense of demand as I have a wide range of followers, but on Instagram - where I have young men – I’ve started subconsciously catering for them. I’m probably thinking too much into the whole thing, but isn’t it funny how we’re compelled by pixelated popularity? Trying to be seamless for the Holy Grail that is a miniscule digital heart. I am becoming obsessed with the notion of sharing myself in the hope that others will approve, and that was not the young woman that I was before.

When I think about it more deeply, perhaps after the cold months of being single I started trying to rebrand myself and market myself out to people just for that insignificant morsel of appreciation. It somewhat relates to what I had mentioned just the other day, the notion that we’re driven by goals on social media. Linking this with what I said about using my mobile phone, technology really does interfere with your mental wellbeing.

When I upload a selfie on Instagram, I have anxiety. What if people don’t like it? What about that sordid, unruly stray piece of hair? I meet many girls who say they look much better in photos than in reality, and a lot of us share that idea but when I am out – people do sometimes compliment how I look, just to be nice. To get that support, all I had to do was go out, be myself and enjoy myself – not in pursuit of someone ‘liking’ me. A part of me had started subconsciously living for other people, and I’m not too wild about that idea.

I was thinking just the other day how amusing it was that young girls on Instagram who go on holiday to superlative, exotic places that I could only dream of having the chance to go to, share daily selfies from their hotel rooms of their bikinis. I am fully in support of the bikini selfie and wholly encouraging of people sharing what they like – but to think the costs incurred, and that magical chance afforded with visiting such a remarkable place, that people are spending more time capturing images of themselves rather than their striking cultural surroundings is quite bizarre to say the least.

Maybe it’s time for me to log out of instagram and scrap my snapchat; the selfies are taking over! God forbid I walk into a room with bad lighting and someone wants to take a selfie, the deplorable idea of such makes me want to toss inconsolably in my big empty bed. Maybe we’ve got to step out of virtual reality and back into the real world – maybe our position is that we care too much about representation and reputation. It does feel great getting a commendation or even taking a gorgeous selfie where your eyebrows are entirely ‘on fleek’ for your own entertainment, that is wonderful, but impatiently waiting on someone to comment a plethora of fire emojis? Isn’t it all a bit absurd?

Wow, I need to cool myself down now – it seems I’m getting social media cabin fever. I think this is my next step in my ‘healthy, happy life’ plan – sharing things I want to share and thinking less about what people want and the competitiveness that goes with such. I assure you there will be much less fire emojis, but can anything ever compete with the delicious feeling of self-satisfaction? If selfies make you happy, then go forth - but for this ole selfie dinosaur, I think I'm headed for a retirement.