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DAY 19: Ineffectual

It’s been a long and tough day with some recreational breaks. I helped my friend pick out what to wear for a party we’re both supposed to be attending but I don’t feel massively up for it. My mood is probably in the negatives right now, and there’s not much I can do to change it.

I think the main emotion I feel at this moment is embarrassment. I feel very much like I get into things that make me feel so crazy happy that I shout it from the rooftops only to realise it probably isn’t what I think it is. To feel like I prioritise people who don’t prioritise me, and being caught up on little details to support the idea that I’ve got it right and things will be fine when quite frankly it isn’t. It always makes me consider: what is my next move? When do I become realistic with myself? How do I differentiate my pursuit and my reality?

I get the feeling that I deserve the horrible things that happen to me and I feel at fault for a good degree for putting myself in these situations that don’t benefit me enough.

It’s not been a good day, 3/10 is probably optimistic.

Sorry for the 3/10 blog post.