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DAY 48: Seizures and Triggers

My Bipolar Disorder is trying to kill me. It feels like such an impossible thing to live with and every so often I will find the 'impossible' day. I wake up and think 'this is not going to go well', and it is painful to be awake and difficult to just navigate a day. I do get through it, but not easily - so I guess realistically those days are not 'impossible', but it feels like it's a delay until the next 'impossible' day.

Good and bad days - the balance I do not count. My life is going very well, health wise? That's just not working in my favour. I know my mind is just so out of balance and my illness is at it's worst because it's processing so much trauma. Perhaps I should start counting the good and bad days, realistically I should be writing every day and if not on here - at least keeping a mood journal so I can keep on top of episodes and triggers. However, I like to bury my head in some regards. I don't think it's fair that there's things I can't do anymore and things I have to do just to have a normal life. I have taken myself off caffeine and alcohol and I'm still trying to balance my sleeping schedule. I'm avoiding sugary foods, I am moderating the temperatures in environments I'm in and trying to push for a routine: It's just so difficult! It's so trying to secure every aspect of my life to create a sense of balance. I know I have to keep chasing that wellbeing though, it's unfortunate it has gotten to this stage - but on the road to remission, I need to do these things in order to secure stability for as long as I possibly can.

In terms of my illness right now: my Bipolar Disorder has been rapid cycling, I'm losing a lot of sleep and I've began having seizures. It's such a scary ordeal. So I'm trying to desperately create balance in my life, find the right treatments and distinguish triggers. I've learned to distinguish the major trigger towards my bipolar relapse, but I also need to identify those small daily ones.

The part to me that will always hit hard, on the topic of triggers, it was clear that outside factors very much affected the demise of my health and caused my bipolar relapse. My illness is unfair, but it always - for me - follows from a trigger, which can be small or big. Understanding how I got to this place has been healing in a way, but it's hard to come to terms with how others can impact your health. It's a necessary emotional journey where you don't have to like what's happened to put you in a certain place, but you have to accept it. It's a learning curve for me to not be so naive and perhaps be more perceptive to relationships I have with people who have less than desirable intentions, and that ignorance towards issues - in this example, mental health - can have devastating results.

It scares me thinking about what I've went through, then thinking of how much worse it could have been - people die as a result of mental health issues. I think about how people can negatively affect your mental health, like in my case, but it makes me think more about how I am with others. If you are cruel to another human being, someone who with mental health issues perhaps like depression, could you be the straw that breaks the camels back? I know it's a dramatic thought, but I know the feeling where people have made me feel below low about myself. Having sensitivity and just acknowledging that you do not know everything about a person and what they battle, could be the difference of negatively impacting someones mental wellbeing and supporting it. We all as people have a responsibility to be kind to each other. If anyone ever needed me, I can say confidently I'd be there for them - I would never give up on someone who is struggling and needs me. I've been studying the law of attraction a lot too, and even if you don't believe in the laws of karma: when you practice being compassionate, sensitive and supportive to others you are leading by example.

My mind is absolutely everywhere and so I am pretty sure that this post reads ridiculously and doesn't make much sense, but at the same time I don't want to read it back and redraft because I want it to keep it's authenticity. It's going to be a busy week tying up loose ends and sorting out everything before I leave for London next week, but I'm keeping a watchful eye on my health as my life takes on it's next potentially stressful but curious adventures.

DAY 47: Congradulations

After four years, I have graduated!
A family death, personal circumstances leading to a heavy bipolar relapse made it so difficult but it means when I graduated I felt my accomplishments so much more, having had so much going on. At the end of May, just before my deadline - I buckled under the pressure and I seriously considered leaving university and spoke to Student Support about my options. My family and friends spurred me on and with the full support of my doctors and mental health team I managed to get everything done on time. I was rewarded very well for doing so. I've known my results for 2 weeks and despite the excitement I didn't want to discuss finishing university until my graduation, to make the moment more poignant.
My parents and my best friends attended my graduation and it's so nice to feel that love. I've received loads of cards, gifts and I was surprised with flowers yesterday and it really makes me look at my life and think 'wow, I am very lucky'.
I am unwell today as I write this as my lithium is too high a dose so I have the day off - but in a weird positive way, it has given me the time to finally write on here. I want to be honest with you reading because it's all that I've built this blog on - being honest.
The reason I have not been writing is because I'm finding things a little difficult to communicate at the moment, I obviously don't want to speak about my personal life on here - or any social media - anymore, and so it makes it a little bit more difficult to inform you. What I can say is I have deeply struggled with my mental health in the past month, so I had to almost overhaul my life. I took every toxic aspect of my life out and replaced it with something more simple and positive. I look at the person I was 6 months ago, and the woman I am now is just so different in so many ways, both positive and negative just from the changes I've implemented and my new life. I'll discuss this further in due time.
My life post graduation? It's exciting and scary. I don't want to discuss too much the professional opportunities I'm afforded and what I'm currently doing, just because I want to keep some of my life back, but it's beautiful to live a life of experiences based on bringing joy to others.

Speak soon,
Aymie-Michelle Black BA (Hons)

a.k.a. your Mimi

DAY 46: Check In

Tomorrow is a really important day for me so I think I will best communicate what's been happening after the events of tomorrow have passed. I hate checking in here sometimes, I think I've been so put off discussing things that are going on with me and I know it would be impossible to continue this blog not letting you in on my life. I've kept my personal life pretty private on here, and I hope to continue that even more so from now on. It's trying to strike the balance with letting you all in and delivering the appropriate context for what is going on, without having to introduce you all to personal aspects of my life. Again, I'm being ridiculously vague and I understand this whole post is just a bit bizarre but I wanted to check in and basically say: I'm here and a lot is going on, and I'll deliver that to you in the most appropriate ways when I figure out how to communicate things.

I do feel a bit pensive right now, but I'm holding back how sentimental I am until I write again after tomorrow.

I've had a lot of people reach out to me from different places, concern for me and concern about my availability. I will assure you all that I am available for all of you, contact me if you are in dire need of talking to someone - even email if you want to grab me! I would never ever ignore someone in need, regardless of whats going on with me.

I'll speak again when I figure out how to. Wish me luck for tomorrow!

DAY 45: More than Gravity

'Keeping saying, I can't give in, I'm too proud to think what I can't say out loud'

DAY 44: Remember

Navigating myself through this time with it imprinted in my mind that as I change, I need to persevere and remember the good qualities of myself that I should always fight to retain. If I die tomorrow, I'd like to be remembered as a good woman. Nothing else compares to being remembered for just being a kind human being.