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Secrets To My Favourite Life - 6

Diminishing Fears and Realising Goals

I've spoken about little steps to take to improve your mental wellbeing and change your life, modelled on how I took control of my own life - but the most difficult aspect of that, is finding the motivation to make those little steps. I've spoken about small ways to motivate yourself and to get rid of some negativity, but the power of taking control of your mind - I've found - is curating the ability to diminish your fears and realise your goals. I don't think I have a foolproof method to share about doing this, so I'm going to discuss my thought process on my own personal journey of identifying a few of my fears and tackling them, and realising my goals and heading towards them.

My friends joke about my fear of commitment a lot, and it's a very recent negative aspect that has been added onto my personality through the trauma of having an investment in something fall through. I have a fear of permanence, more intricately, a fear of making the wrong decision and it having lasting effects. It scares me career-wise, in my personal life and in almost every decision I make that I know will last a week or more. How I managed to tackle this? I dared to take a risk with things, made drastic changes to my life and I mentally de-pegged my reservations about commitment. I had to experience things to teach myself to think differently. If you are like me and you struggle emotionally when it comes to commitment and decision making, remember this - nothing is permanent. If you make the wrong decision - with most things - there is a way to undo it, rectify it or compensate it. Sure, there are the really serious things you may think you can never come back from, but that is rare. In almost all things that affect you, you will still have some method of control - and you always reserve the ability to try.

I have a fear of not being forgiven. I worry a lot that there are things I can't mend with people and that makes me sick, I learned that opening up and pouring out all my feelings and just generally being honest with people - did me the world of good. Even if they can't forgive me at the end, it feels good to know that I've done all I can. These little fears, I realise, can all be silenced.

I inevitably, have a fear of failure. I remember in June I had a final 'bad day', where one of my fears were confirmed. I had a lot of anxiety about something that I didn't want to happen - and then, it happened. The worst happened. I'm sure we've all had situations similar to that where we worry about something horrible happening, then it happens. Almost like you have thought the worst into existence, of which I will touch upon in the next post. However, when that horrible thing happened - I looked at my life and thought wow, it's time for things to get better.

In that moment of desperation where my last fear was confirmed and I faced failure head on, rock bottom was the solid foundation for my life. I had no money, I had no prospects, I lost friends, I lost a relationship, I suffered trauma and I was just generally lost. Then I realised - if I lose it all, then my biggest fear of all - loss - will never be realised again. How can you possibly be scared of losing things when you've already lost all the things you feel are important to you? I proceeded to rebuild my life, I had no real motivation to - but I had faith in myself. There were no overwhelming reasons for me to continue, but I chose to continue because I believed somewhere inside myself that things weren't over for me, and things had to get better.

I re-evaluated my goals. For a while I coasted through my life and never really voiced my goals, I guess the idea would be finishing University with an excellent grade, finding an excellent job, being in love with the best partner and living a bougie lifestyle with all the money I had. Aren't those goals really what we all want, at least on the surface? I reconsidered those goals. I stopped putting pressure on myself and subsidising my quality of life for University. I thought up my dream job and I decided 'I'm going to do this, here are the steps I need to get there' and I started climbing. I realised I didn't need a man for my happiness, and that a partner is an accessory to my happiness - not the reason. I put myself out there, I pushed myself and pushed myself until I had a buzzing social life I was happy with. 'Don't you get lonely without a partner?', never. I don't have the time to feel lonely, nor do I have that space in my life that's unsatisfied - because I pushed myself to realise my own potential. If you're lonely, surround yourself with people. If you're bored, do something. I whipped myself into shape because I refused to let my fate be failure. My goals now? I am not concerned about things like money and popularity. I want to keep flourishing professionally, and keep the smile on my face - that is my goal. I want to keep waking up excited for my day, because for too long I would wake up in the morning sad because I couldn't just die in my sleep.

I feared failure more than I feared my own death. When my fears came true, I had nothing more to be scared of. I might've had to have hit my lowest point to re-evaluate things for myself, but I am writing to you because you don't need to have that trouble if you try and take on small nuggets of my advice. If you are an over-thinker, visualise those fears at night. Then once you visualise those, visualise the ways in which you can change your fate. Make those visualisations of your comeback so strong that it is in the forefront of your mind whenever those fears creep in. Plan your success in your mind and visualise it as much as you can, it's completely make believe, but it will silence your anxieties. My fears made me realise my goals and pushed me towards them. Write down your goals for your life, even if they're unattainable. Visualise them, and visualise them often. Soon your mind will be so accustomed to the idea of your own dream that you will feel less afraid to approach your goal, and once you make that first step - keep going.

Overthinking would be my downfall, but now it's my best tool. Push yourself to visualise those things often, and keep going. It isn't as black and white as 'ah yes, my life faltered so I got on with it'. I didn't wake up the day after my worst day and change, I had to see doctors about medication, I read a lot and got therapy - then I proceeded towards those goals, and I progressed to make those changes in my life because what was there to lose? Ask yourself that, if your life feels so empty - what is there to lose in taking one little step that could maybe change your life? If you feel so bad, what is there to risk in taking a chance at potentially improving your situation?

In your wildest dreams, visualise what you would truly want in your life if you could have anything. Visualise yourself eradicating everything you're scared of. Visualise it so often it motivates you to make that first step. The first step could just be seeing a doctor about issues you have, or waking up early. But if you need a motivation to start to change your own life, look inside yourself - because you deserve better from life, and you should not accept anything less.

Eventually, that's what I learned. I promise you every day, I am grateful for my decision to stay.

As you all know I had to take a short break from this series and work commitments. I'd like to thank everyone's kind and thoughtful messages through what has been a difficult time, my family and I very much appreciate it. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers - Mimi