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Feeling: Like the calm before the storm

Today, I really didn't want to get up. I love my job but I felt like I just couldn't manage it, like it was too much for me. I pushed myself as I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I then had quite a tough shift and I had to essentially run to the train to get to hospital to see my God son. He was beautiful, and I don't like babies! His hair was so long and soft, I'm definitely going to take my role of fairy godmother seriously!
I'm finally home after a long night and I feel overwhelmed, I feel guilty for having a nice day. I've had a lot of thoughts about my recovery, and I'm not ruling out ECT. It could temporarily relieve my mood disorder and calm my obsessive compulsive disorder. My thought patterns are so dangerous, and I'm aware of that but I have no control. I definitely feel I need some relief from ECT, to create some faith as lithium isn't doing well.
I think I just have to keep going, I think I might be okay.

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