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DAY 52

Last night I had one of those visually powerful dreams, almost as if you’re right in the moment and you’re truly experiencing it. I was seventeen and I wanted to commit suicide and my family were quickly trying to get me help and I was taken to my ex boyfriend. He shut me down and walked away from me as I stood there, dying. The tragic part is that it would definitely happen in reality too.

As a now young adult woman, I’ve realised one huge thing: Ex-Boyfriends lie. They tell you things to please your ears with no definite meaning. I’ve heard it all and experienced it all. You know what? It truly hurts my feelings and damages my obsessive thinking. Here is some collective terms I’ve gotten from my ex-boyfriends.

“We’ll be good friends”… of course we won’t! I’ll keep up my end of the bargain by messaging to see if you’re okay and you’ll short answer me to make me look needy. I’ll abandon all my friends so you can have them and you’ll just laugh. I’ll invite you to my party and you wont invite me to yours. That’s typically how it goes.

“I will always love you”… if what we’re doing now is love then I don’t want to feel it. If I needed help you would scoff at me and everytime I do something compassionate for you I’m assumed desperate and looking for something else. That’s not love. Neither is dressing up as a woman in a drag queen show and calling yourself ‘Aymie Black’ (True story), that’s embarrassing.

“I’ll make sure any gossip is made to favour us both”… This one is particularly warming, and hilarious. At the beginning of a break-up your ex will be kind because they’re grieving and suddenly they’ll start listening to their friends. It’s at this point that they begin to believe they ARE too good for you and that you ARE a bitch. Because we all know a gang of boys is correct, right?

“I’ll never find someone else”… the ole guilt trip. Needless to say my exes have drilled through girls with some even having a long term relationship (But I thought you so desperately loved me and couldn’t move on?). Saying something like that to make you feel bad, just don’t believe it. You know for a fact he’s going to change his profile picture to him and the girl he admitted to flirting with.

“I’ll send you photos of the pets all the time”… I’ve not seen me and my ex’s bunnies, in photo or person, in over a year and a half. I’ve even asked for photos and he replies that he doesn’t have any. What doesn’t help as well is that one of the bunnies is named after me.  He probably doesn’t like that bunny.

Conclusion: Exes lie and they make you feel like stinky poo while doing it.

Holding a break up when you’re mentally ill is vastly difficult particularly in cases of Bipolar Disorder or OCD. In my Bipolar there is a huge element of obsessive thinking that’s similar to OCD.

Every so often I have a dream and one of my exes appear and I remember all these lovely things they’ve said, and I wonder if they still feel the way they said they felt. I overwhelmingly care about everyone who has been in my life, inclusive of exes and old friends. I realise that people don’t care back and that I have to move on with my life. I will still think about them everytime it’s one of their birthdays or what would’ve been our anniversary, and I’m still waiting for the text asking me how my life is – which I will never get. With all these exes it’s worth noting that I only had an eating disorder through one and had no other diagnosed mental health issues – and these boys that loved me so much, they never noticed my symptoms of bipolar disorder. I was ill for so long without my ‘lover’s’ noticing.

I adore my boyfriend because he’s wildly understanding, but I can’t help imagining how our breakup would be. Do you ever think about this? Am I alone?

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