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DAY 56

I had a long but good day, and I'm really craving alone time - I don't know if it's because I've been around people all day or I'm just feeling like being aloof.

The most irritating part of my day goes to my knee injury, it's honestly quite awful. On Tuesday I think I twisted my knee the wrong way at work or something, then had to do a lot of running up and down stairs. I do around 7-8miles walking exercise daily, intense - I know, and I've noticed the knee pain has gotten worse over a few days. Today I did even more exercise than usual and boy am I feeling it. My knee is now in almost unbearable pain and I'm not entirely sure what I should do. The likelihood is I've sprained my knee a little and then I've went and overdone it and turned it into a really bad one. Honestly it feels like my ligaments are damaged - but considering I can't remember what happened to my knee, it's probably a sprain from moving the wrong way. I am such a klutz.
I'm worried about how I'm going to exercise tomorrow.

I've had another bad dream last night/this morning and so I've almost been putting things in place to distract myself from that. I'm worrying myself with things I have no business worrying myself about. I have such uncontrollable obsessive thoughts and it worries me, it seems regardless of what I'm going through mood-wise theres the dark looming thought palace of my big dumb head. A land where crustaceans of bitch thoughts crawl across the emptiness. It's crap. Isn't crap a great word? CRAP. How wonderfully fulfilling, a kind of droll.

Am I doing good? Yeah, I'm normal but probably the overthinking doesn't help me one bit. I'm at this point where I'm fighting with myself not to feel sad about things, when really the fight is making me feel sad. It's a never ending war where I'm my own worst enemy and my character had been gobbled up and spat out. You know what? I have had a good day and I've put on a brave face - even normal people can have bad thoughts and bad times, but I used all my energy and put it into being happy and pleasing others. I admit to being a people pleaser, it's both a curse and a charm.

You know, having this looming stigma of mental illness is exhausting. I will admit, since writing this blog people have treated me differently. Outing myself was difficult. Just know that underneath this illness you still have a personality and you can still feel human emotions, like the aftershock after a vivid nightmare. I have the same problems as I did when I was ill, the difference being I'm well enough to deal with these problems. I don't think any medication will stop my obsessive thoughts, those are with me until I die - but when I am well I have the option on how to react. I'm balancing a mood disorder and so I need to do everything thats in the best interest of my health, I choose not to self pity when I am well enough because that leads to potential illness. There is so much that you can do for yourself because of your good character.

You might be ill - but you're a human being with real emotions.
Feel a little, keep them under your control and if you can't - it's okay, if you recovered before you'll be an expert at recovery next time!

Keeping positive and upbeat,

Throw me lemons.

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