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DAY 72

I don’t mean to sound overly romantic or tasteless, if you know me even slightly you’ll understand that my relationship is very personal, elusive and clandestine.

Today I had another bad dream, the kind where it picks my day up and shakes it. If my day was Coca Cola, my nightmare dropped Mentos into it. I’m not really an ordinary individual and I would say my anxiety is almost embedded in my personality in the sense that I struggle with really obsessive thoughts. I’m still thinking about something I did ten years ago, and I think about it every day. I’m that kind of person, and I find it very difficult to cope with my life – particularly when what I think back to makes me have so many doubts about the way I live and my achievements. These thoughts are so persistent that it makes me do things I wouldn’t usually do, and more than ever it makes me flee situations and attempt to start my life afresh. My ex boyfriends are a constant reminder that starting life again, doesn’t rid me of my anxiety and obsessive thinking.

What I must state is that, I’m not depressed. I’m in a normal mood level and it’s controlled, my anxiety disorder presents itself uniquely on top of my mood disorder with the biggest effect being obsessive thinking. I’ll probably never get rid of it and my lithium helps a little.

I then went out to meet with my boyfriend and head for dinner and the movies. I felt awful, I felt embarrassed. Sometimes it just feels like I do not credit him enough, he completely turned my day around and made me feel a thousand times better. It feels like when I’m not with him and I’m alone, I underestimate the power he has and how easily he can help me through situations. I’m in a relationship, I’ve almost always been in one since thirteen – but I present myself in a very independent manner. I don’t feel like I’m in a relationship, I’m aware I am but I’m just such an independent person that I think about myself a lot and plan things for myself, and I do things without having to consult my partner. Is my relationship miles different from everyone elses?

I have so many friends and I do so many different things, I have my own plans that may not co-ordinate with his – but that’s okay to me, and okay to him. We don’t live in each others pockets, in our usual routine we don’t speak until maybe 7pm at night but then we’ll talk on the phone for three hours. I think we just always have each others backs, but we don’t have to consistently say so. I love paying my own way, carrying my own things, I don’t like PDA – I’m just very individual. We are in a relationship, but its like we’re not a couple. We’re two individuals who love each other very much. How do I feel about this? I absolutely love it.

We have such a new-age dynamic, but our relationship itself is so rock solid. We’re not aware if we’ll get married or anything, but we’re sure we have a future together and we don’t have to achieve A, B, C to achieve a future together. To us it isn’t about kids, marriage and a big ole house with a tomato garden – I just feel like it’s silly if you’re wasting today away dreaming of tomorrow. We enjoy each other how we are and our situation. It’d be nice to live together, but it’s nice not living together! We just have an overwhelming amount of love for each other and it’s completely enough. We don’t even need matching tattoos, which – let’s be honest is one of the most tacky things anyone can do! We don’t make a social media festival out of our anniversaries either, in fact we don’t make a social media festival about anything that involves both of us.

I just feel like I have my days ruined by the way I think, and all I need to do is take a step back and remember who I have by my side. He is remarkable, and our modern, quirky relationship is probably everything I could ever ask for. I forget how much of a good situation I am in, but it’s nice to know that all I need to do is see someone and then my day is A+.

Me and him are so different to all the other relationships, but we’re so cool. I love having a cool, fresh relationship. I will never get bored.