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DAY 84

Well here is the update: My life is a bit of a shambles. The only way to rectify it all was to wreck them even further. I feel exhausted and devastated. Is this going to be a massive blog post on what has happened to my life, no. I apologise if that’s disappointing. With all the chaos, it would be cruel to myself and others to speak about all the things that have happened in just the space of a week. It also rung clear to me that this recovery and stabilisation takes years, not months. Thanks to a doctor slipup, I was left without a prescription and had to spend 5 days without medication. I don’t know if it worsened everything, but I’m sure it didn’t help.

I felt emotional last night reading messages, which I’ve yet to respond to, telling me to keep going on here and that people feel inspired by my blog. I don’t feel inspired by my blog, I don’t feel I am an inspiration of any sort. I am however, courageous enough to write how I feel. That exact thing – speaking out – is what saves many lives every year. And if you don’t have the bravery to speak out, that’s okay – you have the bravery to live even though it doesn’t feel like it’s getting better and that is true courage. I’m sorry that many of you don’t want to openly talk about how you feel or your illness, but I’m glad you find solace in what I say and I’m happy to speak on behalf of you all if you would like that.

I’m not here to write this now and say how I am fine or that the grass is green where I am, because it is not. It’s perfectly fine to not be okay. And I am not okay today, tomorrow and probably not for a while but that’s fine. I’m going to find stability within myself and it will be okay in the end, because that’s how things work. You really have to stick around for the happy ending. I have some friends who have been great, some friends who just ignore me and I have pets who adore me. I’m doing everything to make myself feel better and happier.

We are all going to be okay.