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DAY 91

I had to lock my twitter down again, don’t worry – I’m not closing myself off - I’m recuperating. I’m sorting my thoughts out, slowly but surely and I am feeling good with myself. I haven’t taken my medication in 5 days now – I know I shouldn’t do that, my initial point was ‘There is no water to take this and it’s late so I’ll leave it’, now it’s ‘I’m doing so well and I think I’m okay without it at the moment’. I can already feel the angry eyes on me right now, particularly when my family read this blog post. I’ll get slapped wrists - but don’t worry I will definitely be on top of this all tomorrow.

I am honestly okay, actually I am really good. I’m a little more short fused according to my dad, but I just feel like there is so much to put up with lately – there are only so many things I can grin and bear before I take a situation into my own hands. I’m working on something I’ve struggled with my whole life, my existence has always kind of been decayed by my ability to care for others. I always put people before myself and I just think that for once – it should be me, and it can be me if I just focus on putting my positive energy into productively changing my life for the better.

You know I feel good but I’m not invincible. I feel really lonely a lot now and I guess it’s just about becoming accustomed to who I am as an individual – I always felt I was independent but it wasn’t until I had entirely removed myself from those around me that I realised I had very little independence. I want to enjoy my own company, I want to get better on my own and there’s a lot of pain behind that. I want to take my situation and I want to learn from it, furthermore I want to become a better person and gain stability.

A big part of this all – I guess – is getting rid of those people who threaten what I have or what I could have. I’m striving for greatness, and if you are standing in front of me purely as an obstacle – I guess I have to remove you. It’s bittersweet really. I am honestly okay though, surprisingly so. I am obviously still having moments through this, but I have hope and that is the most powerful tool that I have. I’m enjoying all the alone time I have given myself – just to recover from this horrible illness. It’s so difficult and I don’t think it’s fair – but it’s my life, opting out just wouldn’t be my style.

I’m making massive changes and moving mountains – it’s overwhelming, but I’m going to become the woman that I want to be. One who loves her life devotedly and healthily.