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DAY 95

I’m so lucky to have so many things going on and consuming me – because I’m really not feeling my best. However, I do find productivity is helping and I’m managing very well and progressing with various aspects of work life and personal life. I felt very, very lonely - and now, I've just about got my mind around it because I'm so busy. My initial plans for the day took a U-Turn, however I’m lucky enough to have back up plans for every plan so there really aren’t many moments to wander off and do something. In a sense, I could describe this all as coping. I have this massive to do list at the moment too which means even though I’m doing business work then flirting with the idea of university work, I have this whole other list of things that need done regarding appointments and writing up schedules. The time of having so much free time is officially gone and I’m so glad that I can settle into a routine.

My personal life is probably the trickiest part of adjustment for myself because I can’t do the things I did before as a way of de-stressing. There have been numerous tricky situations involving other people in my life and as much as I was besotted with ideas before, I think the faith in a lot has just left me – like I don’t have the time now. If I feel someone is a drain of my mental energy, I just avoid them because in the grand scheme of things I guess there are situations that fundamentally shouldn’t matter - as they don’t contribute positively to my situations or goals. I’ve lost so much faith in a lot of friends recently and I guess I just have to move on from that; there will always be situations where you are there for them and they aren’t there for you.

I’ve become very much self reliant and independent but I had to be dragged across the ground before I got there. On a more positive note, with all the friends that have been occupied – I’ve made a lot of new friends lately that share more of my values, and are actually there! I’ve always had a small circle of best friends, but in the scheme of acquaintances I have so many and I do possess a good ability to cheer those around me up and make them feel good – and it’s nice to find people who’d do that for me too. The getting to know people stage is always so awkward but there are so many opportunities where you can meet someone and it just clicks! I’m hopeful that I’ll surround myself with enough love that I’ll never need to question my love for myself ever again.

Today is World Mental Health Day and it has been so inspiring and interesting to read all of your personal stories on how mental illness affects you. This years theme is Dignity, and it just feels so appropriate. The way I feel about my illness is that people treat me like a lesser being or a less desirable human – almost as if I have a massive fault. There are people who will not want to identify themselves with me because I am ill and that’s really hurtful, as I can only imagine saying to someone ‘You have cystic fibrosis and we can’t be friends’ would sound ridiculous. Those with mental health issues are treated so peculiarly and it really does strip us of our dignity. However, there are so many things that my illness has done for me as a person – the courage that I have to have makes me proud of myself. Being ill I’ve learned to empathise with others, understand and picked up a remarkable sense of perception in situations that many others just don’t possess. I also look after my health very well which proves that although I have minimal control over my mental illness – I can still maintain and control aspects of my life. My illness has made me braver, smarter, kinder and much more open-minded. I hope you read all the beautiful articles released today for the occasion to improve your understanding and I hope it inspires you to share your story with pride.