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DAY 99

It’s day 99, I want to spend today talking about something important: Love. It is essentially my motivation, my mantra, my reasoning, my living and my kryptonite. I’m going to get personal and I hope you don’t mind, we are 99 posts in… I’m sure you are used to the system by now.

I love my friends, first and foremost obviously. I didn’t think I could realise my potential for love that wasn’t through romance or blood. I’ve lost so many people in my life and when I look at that destruction and hypothetically replace those with the people surrounding me now – I feel horrendously sad and I don’t think I could recover if I lost anyone from my circle. I don’t have someone there for me twenty four hours a day, however I do believe that in my toughest moments – there are those who would climb mountains just to help me. It’s nice feeling that when I reach these lows and highs caused by my illness, there are those standing around me and offering a ladder to bring me back to reality. I have never instilled so much trust in people and to feel that I can be entirely open with myself and who I am – I am just so grateful. I can’t possibly demonstrate this enough, no words cover my gratitude. I irrevocably love you all.

I love my old friends and those who aren’t here. I love the people who aren’t here today because they were essential in who I shaped out to be. There are people I grew apart from, people who I’ve shared an explosive finish with and those who unfortunately are no longer here with us. All these people have taught me how short life is and regardless of how these friendships ended, I will always have a massive admiration for these people – even if they just made me smile or were there on the end of the phone. I don’t hold onto grudges and I feel comfortable with where I am today and who I am with – I don’t ache for these people regularly, but I do miss the chemistries we shared. I hope that for those today they remember the love we shared and not pour over the negatives that came. I love you all for helping me become the person I am today.

I love those I have shared romantic relationships with. However testing the endings may have been and how my feelings are regarding their personhood – I will always have pieces of me in love with the men that I shared my life with. I have been tried so much in various ways and I still hurt today over various things, but it doesn’t nullify the amount of admiration I have for these beautiful people who were kind enough to trust me and share their time with me. I would particularly like to mention that I adore the patience of these people who all had a relationship with me, unaware that I was mentally unwell.  I know this unknown illness had caused a lot of destruction and broken a few hearts, but now I hope we can all live with this new knowledge and untie any bitterness that may have stemmed from some unruly situations. I am a new woman, not the girl you have experienced your life with and in so many respects I’ve learned to be such a better person. I miss these people terribly, and I hope they can respect me as much as I do them. I think of them all so much and I’m again, so grateful that they were a part of my life.

I love my family. This goes without saying but family truly are there for you. I’ve experienced so many situations in the past month where I’ve desperately needed company and everyone had other things on, but there they were – inviting me over, feeding me and looking after me. There is no feeling as good as being in the company of your family and enjoying the strong bond that you were all essentially born into. I love how quirky my family are and I am well within the knowledge they will always be there for me, and I will always be there for them aswell. I love them completely and I will always be proud to have come from where I did. Oh and this is obvious, but I love my pets – who are indeed family.

I love the world I am in. I love the people in this world who provide a service, I love the environment and the air I breathe. I love from the top of the trees to the roots in the soil – we live in such a remarkable place and I take that in every single day. I know that I can be within my own company in this amazing place and feel at home. Even if I’m in the city – anywhere, it’s such a fantastic place to be and I’m so happy to be alive. There is so much beauty around me and not all of us notice it, but I very much do. I love all the people around here too, my doctors to the people who serve me in the shop. I love the kindness everyone has within them, and even when I don’t experience that or see it – I know it is there.

I love those who dislike me. You taught me such fantastic tolerance and I’m so happy that you have been a part of my life. At the time, I felt horrible with the way you have treated me but now I can look at these negative experiences and feel so much stronger. It really is the differentiation between being a girl and a woman and I’ve transitioned into that because of the negative experiences I have had. I look at these times fondly, because I learned how to be courageous.

I love those who have went the extra mile. Kyle is always there for me and he very much didn’t sign up for a girlfriend who was seriously ill and yet he tried his absolute best at all times and I can’t express my gratitude enough. You really didn’t have to be so kind, but you did and that means everything.

I love myself. I love who I am, I love the good bits and the bad bits because it all makes up who I am. For so long I would feel heartbroken over situations I couldn’t change and how people felt about me but that was because I didn’t love myself enough. When I learned intense self-love, I realised that opinions didn’t matter and that I was a unique individual with so many qualities. I know now what I am worth, doing this blog has helped me realise my potential as a human being and exactly who I am as Aymie-Michelle Black.

I love the person reading this, you are just wonderful.

Try making a list of what you love, it’ll make you feel so much more appreciative and it particularly helps when you’re feeling low. Live your days full of love and you’ll soon see how great life can be.

Thank you for reading, I will see you tomorrow.