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DAY 4: The Sinful Selfie

Today was mostly time set by to mend from last night’s thrill. However, there’s no rest from keeping fit so I felt obligated to continue my streak of morning jogs. I loathe running, I don’t love how it makes my body feel but I enjoy how I feel once it is over. It’s becoming part of my routine and part of that important ‘me time’ I always encourage everyone to have.

I woke up today and picked which selfie from last night to upload on Instagram, as ever – because I lack the patience and the enthusiasm – I adjust lighting or toss a filter on. What’s really laughable is that I didn’t like any images I had snapped, and yesterday I didn’t really want to take photos of my outfit. I almost felt like having an Instagram and having followers means people are expecting selfies from me, so I’m basically forcing myself to do it - which is really quite silly isn’t it?

Instead of sharing things that I like, I feel like I’m too concerned with what’s current and what other people will appreciate. My social media isn’t really ‘Me’, it’s more just a brand people want to see. Thankfully with social media like Twitter I can be as open as I like because I do not feel a sense of demand as I have a wide range of followers, but on Instagram - where I have young men – I’ve started subconsciously catering for them. I’m probably thinking too much into the whole thing, but isn’t it funny how we’re compelled by pixelated popularity? Trying to be seamless for the Holy Grail that is a miniscule digital heart. I am becoming obsessed with the notion of sharing myself in the hope that others will approve, and that was not the young woman that I was before.

When I think about it more deeply, perhaps after the cold months of being single I started trying to rebrand myself and market myself out to people just for that insignificant morsel of appreciation. It somewhat relates to what I had mentioned just the other day, the notion that we’re driven by goals on social media. Linking this with what I said about using my mobile phone, technology really does interfere with your mental wellbeing.

When I upload a selfie on Instagram, I have anxiety. What if people don’t like it? What about that sordid, unruly stray piece of hair? I meet many girls who say they look much better in photos than in reality, and a lot of us share that idea but when I am out – people do sometimes compliment how I look, just to be nice. To get that support, all I had to do was go out, be myself and enjoy myself – not in pursuit of someone ‘liking’ me. A part of me had started subconsciously living for other people, and I’m not too wild about that idea.

I was thinking just the other day how amusing it was that young girls on Instagram who go on holiday to superlative, exotic places that I could only dream of having the chance to go to, share daily selfies from their hotel rooms of their bikinis. I am fully in support of the bikini selfie and wholly encouraging of people sharing what they like – but to think the costs incurred, and that magical chance afforded with visiting such a remarkable place, that people are spending more time capturing images of themselves rather than their striking cultural surroundings is quite bizarre to say the least.

Maybe it’s time for me to log out of instagram and scrap my snapchat; the selfies are taking over! God forbid I walk into a room with bad lighting and someone wants to take a selfie, the deplorable idea of such makes me want to toss inconsolably in my big empty bed. Maybe we’ve got to step out of virtual reality and back into the real world – maybe our position is that we care too much about representation and reputation. It does feel great getting a commendation or even taking a gorgeous selfie where your eyebrows are entirely ‘on fleek’ for your own entertainment, that is wonderful, but impatiently waiting on someone to comment a plethora of fire emojis? Isn’t it all a bit absurd?

Wow, I need to cool myself down now – it seems I’m getting social media cabin fever. I think this is my next step in my ‘healthy, happy life’ plan – sharing things I want to share and thinking less about what people want and the competitiveness that goes with such. I assure you there will be much less fire emojis, but can anything ever compete with the delicious feeling of self-satisfaction? If selfies make you happy, then go forth - but for this ole selfie dinosaur, I think I'm headed for a retirement.