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DAY 12: Equanimity

Jane Austen once wrote: “There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.”  Never have I felt so passionately that a quote could seamlessly describe how I feel. 

It has been a long ten days for me, having the eyes of the world on my every virtual movement – recording what I say and share to make money. The banks of media powerhouses are clinking with every click. My image and my name being pasted on the walls of strangers worldwide in some sort of odd attempt at fitting my endeavors into a theme I have never applied to myself. The dumb, privileged white woman who reaches out for fame and admiration at the expense of showing her body. Writing vapid articles whilst twisting my story, instead of writing about current important issues.

There truly is only so much I can comment about this, as it seems my comments are often ripped out of their appropriate contexts, but aren't there more important conversations to have? The lighthearted message I shared that went viral brings up so many more important themes, these themes accumulated from the study of the reaction. A woman shamed for showing her underwear, a woman harassed for her mental health, a person slaughtered for consensually sharing aspects of her life – which serve no true offence – but hold her up as some skewed, stylistic martyr for feminism and mental health, providing a delicious outlet for those who feel the need to expel hatred.

 Since I wrote my last blog post, many websites and newspapers have created follow up articles to their original recording of my ‘viral fame’. These outlets have run such articles without my consent more than once at this stage. Although I appreciate what some of the journalists are trying to do, the best way to get over a nonsensical situation like this would be to stop posting about it!

What I want to elucidate, for the thousands of messages of sympathy I have received – as upfront as I can say this is – I am not upset. If you believe I am sitting at home crying over the comment about me ‘attention seeking’ from a professional attention seeking troll, you are wrong. If you believe I am disgraced from speculative, uneducated comments and opinions about my sex life, my personality, my intellect and my intent – then you are seriously wrong. As much as some of these articles like to take what I say and make it seem like a girl is terrorized by the antagonizing comments from strangers. I am fine – I am doing very well and at worst I’m just a little bored of myself.

The psychology behind the people who leave the nasty comments fascinates me. What spurs people on so much? Envy, offense or have I just served as an undeserving outlet for someone’s pent up frustrations? In every response I give to someone who has attacked me, I have received an apology. I branch out with only kindness and selfless sincerity, I am aware of what I say and it’s implications, even if Joe from Exeter thinks I’m an ‘attention seeking slut who deserves to get raped’. What I read from that comment is that Joe from Exeter is a very unhappy and unfulfilled man who has developed a complex, unsociable character.

For the girls who used to bully me in school and tag each other in articles about me with a series of catty comments, I sincerely hope they go on to live their best life. They slut shame incessantly because I gained a reaction I could not premeditate yet those who comment – I have been pointed out - wear less clothes than myself, post raunchier photos and live much more promiscuous lifestyles. Regardless, I would never have an opinion about what another woman does with her body or her life – I’ve never sent a nude photo in my life and I will never do that, but I appreciate some people want to. It does not concern me. I feel if it’s inoffensive, people should do what makes them happy. The idea of clawing in order to take away happiness from another is so self-belittling and it’s chewing away at the good character you have. At the moment, I’m very well and I have a very good life. How stone cold it would be to begrudge another person of those things out of envy.

To completely conclude the ludicrous topic of my online 'trolls', the negative comments are in their hundreds, the positive reaction is in it’s tens of thousands. The response is NOT that negative! So it's time to stop talking about the negative minority.

Those people that I write for and those who need me most when I write have been deprived of that because I am so desperately trying to avoid any more unnecessary attention. I have seen all of your lovely comments and I have been taken aback by the positive response for all the thousands of new readers on this blog. I am so glad I have been able to be your friend and confidante, even if you only found me because of a humorous tweet. I’ve read your stories, I’ve had a look at your social medias, I’ve cried for you and I appreciate you and wish nothing but the best for you all who are suffering.

For those interested, I am doing very well at the moment. I am shocked that this immense pressure has not acted as a trigger for my illness but I am very cautious so I’m trying to lay low and look after myself. It’s so difficult when you are faced by something so stressful not to let your mind respond in another way, particularly when you suffer from a mental illness, as most times I feel completely helpless in terms of controlling my mood. I have been able to go out and socialize with friends over the week and I’ve been exercising pretty consistently and eating well. The only thing I feel I need to sort in terms of getting some balance for myself is bettering my sleep routine, I seem to be staying up really late at night so I’m becoming very sleep deprived which is not good. I have managed to control my anxiety, my mood itself has been better since early July but my anxiety still gives me that ‘punch in the gut’ feeling quite a lot. I haven’t had feelings of anxiety for a few days now and when I do I just take the beta-blockers I’ve been prescribed, I’m not sure if they are doing anything but I haven’t had a panic attack in at least a month.

I hope you’re all doing well and I hope my kind of crazy life has given you some relief or at least faith that things can get better! I’ll write again tomorrow evening, so I will speak to you all then. We can hopefully get back to talking about the important issues instead of what kind of wrap I got at McDonalds! (Sweet Chilli Cripsy Chicken, if you wanted to know!)

Speak soon, stay positive.