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DAY 20: Anticipation

Today I’ve felt okay. I feel like the progression needed in my life will happen, and that maybe I’m not being dragged along like I think I am. I didn’t achieve much in university today even though I have an upcoming crucial deadline, but I had some socialisation time and I feel good. Tomorrow is a really long day, it’s my boyfriends birthday party and so I’ve got to get ready for that, travel for an insane amount of time to get there, then socialise for several hours. I’ve found that telling myself there will be a chocolate fountain has served as the real motivation to attend.

So currently, I’m sitting on my bed writing this post – dripping in fake tan, which I can only hope is going to work so I can look a little less than dead-body-pale, which is my natural colouring. I feel so much more confident when I take time in my appearance, so I’ve actually pushed myself and made an effort for this occasion – I’ve even painted my nails!

I’m really nervous for tomorrow because I’m aware so many people will attend this party that I don’t even know and I’m generally not great at first impressions because I get really awkward and weird. I also do this thing when I’m nervous that I keep talking and I can’t shut up, it’s the most embarrassing thing and I just hope the ground will swallow me right up. The more I think about that, the more anxiety I have so I’m staying focused on that chocolate fountain.

To get things done in order tomorrow I have set several alarms on my phone, when I’m in a depressive episode of my bipolar disorder having some kind of schedule does keep me on the straight and narrow – so I’ve timed everything, from visiting the shops and having a shower. Doing these general organization bits and bots does really make me feel like I’m working to create a solid, happy foundation for myself to live. I find organizing things rigorously and setting alarms will keep me on track when I know I don’t have the motivation to naturally do things. Of course, there are times I just skip an alarm and leave it – normally when it’s to get out of bed – but I don’t feel any better when I do, so I’m really pushing myself.

I hope if anyone else feels the way I do, that they push themselves that tiny bit in order to motivate themselves enough to do activities – be it planning out things to the hour like I do, or getting a friend to make gentle reminders.

As always, I’m forever on Twitter for a chat: @aymieblack and I’d love to hear the little things you do to motivate yourself to get through the activities of your day.