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DAY 24: Proceed

It’s not easy speaking out, especially when the weight is against you. It’s difficult to reach out when you feel horrible about yourself, it’s so much easier to be quiet but despite the uncertainty of talking, it’s always the better option.

I’ve been recovering from the weekend’s events; unfortunately having an illness that’s inflamed by stress means my life buckles under stress. It’s very probable I will be reinstated on the horrible medication I didn’t like that gives me parkinsonism, so I’m actively avoiding the doctor for as long as I can. However, I know I have to seek more treatment because my psychosis has been quite intense.

In terms of how I deal with things and how I co-ordinate myself when a drama presents itself, I feel really grateful that my family and friends are so supportive of me. My parents are proud of me for having to go through every day with an illness that’s incurable and just so complex, my dad gets emotive when I struggle through something as a result of my illness but he tells me to speak out. I practice in good faith each day to be as kind as I possibly can, to be supportive and to be patient when people go through stressful circumstance – because I know all too well how it feels to be in that position.

I feel as I evaluate the stress of the past few days, knowing when to reach out to make amends is as important as recognizing when something has run it’s course. I always say a happy life is in consequence of striking the perfect balance of holding on and letting go, but more importantly to myself it’s looking back at a situation and knowing that I dealt with it tolerantly and considerately.

I spoke yesterday about feeling like my illness’ stigma dismantles all the good things I do and wrecks my character. Today, I try harder not to let my illness take away the good aspects of me. I’m passionate, I’m honest and I know that I have enough courage to move forward and continue to talk about the things that are challenging to speak of and tough to hear. I feel alone, but I’m brave enough to move forward alone and dedicate my time to looking after myself – whilst looking out for you all who are struggling too.

I document my illness not my life but my readers here are one of my priorities in my life. Whether you’re passionate in the battle against mental illness or a little afraid, I’m with you. I’m rooting for you all, and finally, I’m rooting for myself.